Message to the Judgmental Natural Birth Moms

Porter-37

Note: This is an old blog post I found in my drafts. I edited it a little bit since my writing style has changed, but my feelings on this topic are the same.

Dear random judgmental mom at the grocery store,

On a casual shopping trip to Trader Joes, you successfully ruined my day. I’m sure you didn’t mean to, but you did. My 10-month-old Porter was sitting in the shopping cart eating samples, happy as a clam. Just prior to bumping into you, a kind stranger told me that he looks like Prince George. We’d gotten this before; Porter is fair skinned with chunky cheeks and he’s a big boy, – he’s been in the 90’s on the charts his entire life, with the exception of his 100 percentile head.

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So there I was, drooling over the cheese section as per usual and you pulled up next to me. You had a son in your cart too — the boys began to cutely interact.

Random Mom: “How old is your son?”

Me: “He’s 10 months. How old is yours?” I asked with a smile. (I’m careful not to have my #restingbitchface when talking to strangers)

Random Mom: “He’s 15 months. I know he’s small.” (for reference, he looked substantially smaller than Porter)

Me: “Awww he’s so cute.”

Random Mom: “Your guy is big but I bet you weren’t able to give birth naturally without any drugs like I was!”

Me: “No actually I ended up with an emergency c-section and it was a really horrible experience.”

Random Mom: Shuts up.

I walked away as quickly as possible.

I bet you weren’t able to give birth naturally without any drugs like I was!”

I realize this lady said this because she’s clearly insecure about the size of her child, but this is not an isolated experience. Through social media and even other face-to-face interactions, I’ve encountered numerous mothers who judge c-sections. What’s crazy to me is that if I hadn’t had one, I would have risked Porter’s life. He wouldn’t budge after two hours of pushing (you can read my full birth story here), so when his heart rate dropped and the doctor said they needed to get the baby out, I said OK because obviously I wanted my baby to be born safely and alive and I’m not the one with the MD after my name and neither does your doula.

“I bet you weren’t able to give birth naturally without any drugs like I was!”

Who honestly says that to a complete stranger or any mother for that matter? Do you want to get punched in the face? Or maybe you want me to tell you how amazing you are that you gave birth to your smaller than average baby without any drugs? That’s not how this works. I honor ALL mothers no matter how their babies come out because we all sacrificed ourselves on some level to make a human, and we all have our own stories to tell.

My opinion of anyone who brags about anything, let alone how they had their baby, is that they are immature. A woman of wisdom understands that being humble earns more admiration. If you want me to think you’re awesome, don’t tell me how awesome you are.

“I gave birth naturally” in my head equates to “I made the choice to give birth as though it was the olden days so I could feel like I’m better and judge other mothers who used drugs or had surgery.”

This is less relevant to the point of this rant, but I personally think pretending we live hundreds of years ago is kind of stupid. So although you think it will impress me, I literally think you’re kind of a weirdo. But I would never say that to your face because we are all different, and that’s ok.

I thank God I was born when I was, with modern medicine saving lives on the daily. I plan on embracing modern medicine for the rest of my life.

And to the natural birth moms who judge my c-section: If you ever have to have a limb amputated, I challenge you to do that “naturally” too. Let’s just pretend it’s the olden days for everything. Let them cut off your limb naturally; no anesthetics – maybe just a shot of whiskey and a stick to bite on from a pesticide free tree.

Ok, I’m being snarky now. I know I’m probably pissing a lot of people off and I sound like a hypocrite because this sort of comes across like I’m judging the “natural” moms. I’m really not though; this rant is about all of the judgmental moms out there who try to make other moms feel bad about themselves. I couldn’t care less how everyone’s babies are born because it’s none of my business.

Motherhood is hard enough, so let’s just support each other. You might be thinking something in your head when you see another mom, but don’t say it out loud unless it’s kind/supportive/encouraging.

Rant over.

Xo,

Bethany

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3 thoughts on “Message to the Judgmental Natural Birth Moms

  1. Heck yes! As someone who had an emergency c-section as well (also stuck) it is so aggravating to hear about how “unhealthy” or “selfish” it is to use drugs or have surgery. It’s not like every person who chose these options walked in to the hospital, sat down and said “make this as convenient as possible for me, thanks.” And if they did… more power to them. Getting me fired up right beside you!

  2. Hmmm as a doula I see more of the opposite…as in you really have to prove why you don’t want an epidural. Well…maybe lesson to myself and all…we are all just too judgmental. That said…”baby’s heart dropped…so I had an emergency csection” SOMETIMES comes from provider convenience…only sometimes…it’s just that the csection rate does not match up…infant mortality basically unchanged from when csection rates were apx. 8% to now….25% to 40% depending on your location. This is very tricky….of course you want the best for your baby…it’s just if I had had this info. for myself I could have avoided csections…it is complicated…heart rate drops when pressing on bone and baby making turns…and pitocin can be turned off. Any women told her baby in danger will get a csection..we have that primal love. Your care provider’s protocol determines if you get this message to need a csection or not…and I do wish I had known this years ago. And as always, as non-judgmental as I have grown, I always need reminder to be even better at this, so thank you and positive mom vibes your way.

  3. Love, love, love your post. Soooooooo funny: do you want to get punched in the face? Ijs. I scheduled my c-section so I’m not in the emergency-c lane but as you inferred- WHO CARES HOW YOU HAD YOUR BABY!? I should NOT be shocked by natural-birther at Trader Joe’s & gosh how I hope one day she finds this post- not because it’s a punch-in-the-face blog but because it’s a let’s-be-kind-to-a-fellow-mom post. Come on! Parenting is hard enough! In this day & age, so is human-ing (apparently!). Thanks for taking it out of draft!!!!!! And I’m sorry for the insensitivity & again- hope one day she comes across this- & 1. Repents, 2. Apologizes, 3. Gets a grip on her own insecurity & doesn’t teach her kid that crap. gyah!

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